Drown in my Regrets
by lovinglyons
Summary: One-shot. Just something I had bouncing around in my head. Wrote it a while ago in a boring class. I love this pairing.


**REVISED (corrected errors. tis the cost of forgoing a beta) **

"Hawke, please, I can't let you do this!" stormy tears clouded amber eyes as the words tear out of her in a desperate plea.

"The decision has already been made. The Qun is the only place for me to find peace. They promised I'd forget everything that happened. They promised it wouldn't haunt me once I surrendered to the Qun." Katerina Hawke turned away with the same dead expression that had been creeping up on her since her mothers' brutal murder.

Katerina was steps away form a ship that would take her to the homeland of these giant Qunaris. The great big Ox-men were busy milling around the ship, getting it prepared for departure. Isabela could tell by the stock they were taking onto the ship that it wasn't a short trip.

"But think about what you're leaving here!" Isabela's hand darted out and held onto Katerina's forearm like it was a lifeline. To her, it might as well have been one.

"There's no one left I love. There's nothing left for me to live for in this life." She felt the barb that couldn't have been unintentional. _No one left to love? _She pushed aside her own anguish at hearing this and focused on the shell of Katerina in front of her. Isabela couldn't see her face but could hear the complete defeat in her voice. It was the voice of a woman who had lost everything. A voice that sent a tremor of fear though the pirates bones. The Hawke that she'd come to know and love over the past years had never had that despair and utter hopelessness before.

"But what about Bethany? You're her last hope for escape! Are you just going to leave her fate to the Templars? You'll hand her over to Meredith so easily?" Katerina sigh and turned to face her, forearm still trapped by the pirates desperate grip. Lifeless, hazy eyes locked with wet, soft amber ones.

"Bethany hasn't written me in three years. She resents me for what has happened and hates me. She has Cullen to look after her more than I can." Isabela could hear the steel laced in the words, but anger was better than the emptiness. She could see her wolfish eyes beginning to get the glint of anger, and hope blossomed in the pirates' chest. _There is still life inside of her._

"Well what about Sam? He's a Ferelden Mabari! The people around here will chop him up and put him in the pig feed before they take care of him! He's loyal only to _you_!" Isabela pulled Hawkes arm a bit with that, to stir more of the anger she saw stewing in those eyes. And Hawke took the bait.

"He is a strong, capable war hound! He doesn't need to be coddled by the people here! If they so much as think about making a meal of him, he'd have their heads brought to me before I even know what's happening! He's the best there is!" Pride registered in the last bit. _Good, draw out some of the good things until she sees them maybe?_

"Yeah, well, what about the people working around the estate? Where are they supposed to go work? How are a couple of dwarves and an elf supposed to find jobs around a city like Kirkwall? Did you even consider how you're condemning them to life in Darktown?" Katerina's lips drew back into a snarl, offended and guilty.

"I arranged for temporary residency if the next owner of the estate chooses to have their own servants. Anything else is up to them, I owe them nothing." Her eyes, which had been locked with the pirates' own, flickered to the ground. _Guilt? Good. _"Look, Isabella, everyone here can get on without me. What's left? The estate just reminds me of all that I've failed to protect. I couldn't keep my sister away from the bloody Templars and I couldn't protect my mother from that _monster." _Venom laced her voice anytime she referred to the that gruesome incedent. "I need a purpose. I need something to live for. The Qun can give all of that to me." Katerina took a step closer to Isabela, her eyes pleading for her to understand, to just let her leave. "Don't you see the others like me? The lost souls which go to them?" Tears threaten to spill from those broken eyes and her voice becomes thick with emotion. "They don't have to _feel _anymore! I can live like that with them! I wont have this-" her voice breaks off in a strangled sob trying to be disguised as a cough.

As soon as the sound registered with Isabela, she rushed forward and pulled the taller woman into an uncharacteristic embrace. With one arm reaching around Katerina's shoulders and another around her waist, the tanned pirate held onto her with warmth that Hawk had not seen since the morning of her deep roads expedition: before they took Bethany away and her mothers happiness with it.

Hawke's eyes were wide and her breath stuck in her throat in shock. Her relationship with Isabela had always been clearly defined: they could have all the "fun" they wanted but if Hawke let her emotions get involved, things would change. When Isabela said this, change meant that she would not be working with her, at least not on the same level. She'd probably leave if she couldn't get Hawke to accept that it wouldn't happen. But it didn't take long for Hawke to develop feelings for her lover. While Hawke has certainly had plenty of "fun" in her life, she knows the difference between fucking and making love. And when she was with Isabela, they weren't just fuck buddies. They had a romance, if only in her mind. They went on adventures together, sometimes without the rest of the party- just the two of them. In battle, they matched each others skill perfectly and complemented each other in their attacks making them seem of one body when in combat together, using each others strengths to amplify their own and grinning at each other the whole time. They stole together. They drank together. They were the perfect team. And who couldn't help but fall for someone like that? Hawke was in no way immune to the charismatic pirate.

And now with Isabella holding her in such a delicate embrace she felt her resolve and stubbornness melt back and saw the weak, broken girl she was hiding inside.

"Let me protect you." The voice was tight and tremulous but Hawke heard her.

A moment passed before wobbly hands wrapped around the pirates back and she heard a sigh. The sound held all the relief she felt with the guilt she'd enduring and the suffering she'd witnessed. She let her burden shift so that she could invite her lover to carry it with her.

"Okay."


End file.
